Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Moo Visits the Vet

Tortoise Prostate Exam... Ouch!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Merry Christmas!

It was a balmy 65 degrees today so I thought I'd come out, catch some rays and wish you all a Merry Christmoos! If you see me coming down your chimney, don't be scared, it might take me until New Years. Ho Ho Ho!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Turtle Fireplaces

It is winter in Arizona. We've gotten down to the mid 30's a couple times lately and the highs are in the mid 50's with some rain for the first time in months. The Taj Moohal has proven to be waterproof and is now outfitted with a "fireplace" (the red glow you saw in the earlier pictures): a bathroom 250 watt red "heatlamp" bulb suspended from the ceiling in a drop light. (I heard somewhere that reptiles can't see "red".) Moo has taken up residence and spent the last week indoors in front of the fireplace. He calls and orders lettuce pizza delivery.
He's a lousy tipper.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Monday, December 7, 2009

Don't Fence Me In!!!

So, s-p's wife got tired of me eating her flowers, trampling her garden, re-arranging her potted plants and pushing her patio furniture around on the porch. She kept putting these potted plants in my way so I pushed them aside. to keep me out of her garden and off her patio, she made him build a fence across the yard. I admit she was generous and gave me a third of the yard. The Taj Moo-hal has a nice front yard with landscaping, a tree and plenty of roaming room. She even made it Greek Orthodox for me.
(What's that red glow, you ask? I will say it's not me glowing with the uncreated light... more on the glow in a later post.)

Anyway, as always, the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. It was lunchtime and I couldn't jump the fence like the dogs do, so I opened the gate.

The wifey made s-p built a new gate last Saturday. He thinks it is Moo-proof. We'll see about that.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What Turtles Can't Do

I really need to get that seat lowered...
(Note: No turtles were harmed in the making of this picture. Actually the bike was already on the ground and Moo decided to crawl through it instead of around it... He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer sometimes.)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bathing Beauty

WARNING: R-rated Turtle Nudity!


XXX voyeur video.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

BarseMoophius Goes on a Pilgrimmage

The nice thing about being a turtle... no luggage.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Moo Mail

Dear Moo,
I'm trying to send an email to your landlord and his email link from Pithless Thoughts is not working with my computer, which is behaving badly at the moment and wants to make me make a group out of him.

When you see him, can you ask him to send me an email with his regular address, so I don't have to bother you?

In return for your kind efforts on my behalf, I'll attach a photo I took the other day. My family and I went out to eat at a favorite local Vietnamese restaurant the other night, and when we went back to our car, we looked in the window of a very eclectic business right next door (a business which makes and sells rag rugs and neon lights!). My husband and I both thought of you - and your landlord. The photo was taken with the crummy camera on my cell phone. Still, I hope you can see it.

This note has given me the perfect forum to share it with you!

Dear -C,
Don't worry about bothering me about s-p stuff, I am my owner's keeper. Its a thankless job but someone has to do it and his Wifie wisely gave up years ago. I doubt that it is your computer that is acting up, s-p is about as dumb as a box of floppy disks when it comes to computers and internet stuff. It doesn't surprise me your computer wants to make a group out of him...I've always thought he was "legion". Maybe your computer knows something.

Thank you for the picture of my nephew, Moose. Although after my narrow escape from the Sezchuan restaurant where the "Moo Goo Gai Pan" picture was taken, I have to say I'm more than a little worried about him. I tried to tell the pet store people I thought the restaurant owners had bad intentions when they came in and "HAD to have a turtle right away!" (Am I the only one that has noticed Chinese restaurants always seem to open in the same strip malls with veterinarians and pet stores?) Let me know if he mysteriously disappears and turtle soup shows up in "Column B".

Anyway, here is s-p's email address:

best regards,

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Moona Lisa

Ooh, that enigmatic smile...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Daughter #1 from Moo. He's a little miffed we didn't bring him a salad to go from Native New Yorker last night after he bought the birthday hat and all...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Taj Moohal

This is the condo s-p built for me in the corner of the yard. Its a cozy little studio setup attached to the shed, and has an insulated ceiling and a raised floor in case it rains enough to flood my front yard. The common wall is with a lawnmower and gardening tools so they're pretty quiet neighbors until they come out to party. I've got some nice rock landscaping and my own private water dish that I don't have to share with the fish. Mmmmm...fishless water!

I also have free access to a couple hundred square feet of grazing area.

I pretty much spend the nights and hottest parts of the day in here. In the summer I try to beat the heat and grab some breakfast before 9AM, although now that it is cooling down I'll sleep in until 8 or 9, and if it stays below 90 I'll lay in the sun to keep up with my tan. (You never know when a potential Mrs. Moo might show up in the yard.) I'll usually grab supper in the late afternoon and hit the sack when it gets dark.

I'll probably hire someone to put some kind of a door on that has a turtle friendly doorknob of some kind, and wire it for a small heater for the winter months. Fortunately, I was able to grow an Orthodox beard just in time for winter, so at least my chin will stay warm.
But, I don't think shell and leg fur is in the gene pool for me. I've shopped around and I haven't seen any human neck sweaters in my size at the mall around here...they're all made for those tiny svelte size 4 Desert Tortoises, not us BBT's. (I'll bet if Oprah was a turtle they'd carry her size...)

I've heard rumors that s-p is planning to remodel the back yard. I'll have to see what's going on. More later....

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Moo Becomes Orthodox

(Click on picture to embiggen)

Well folks, I'd like to announce that I've finally decided to become Orthodox. It just seemed to be a natural part of my journey. I mean, think about it... I'm in a perpetual state of prostration. I'm vegan. I literally AM the lowliest servant. I'm celibate and live rent free in a mud hut in someone else's back yard by myself. I don't have a job. I don't bathe and go barefoot. I walk around in circles all day with my prayer rope and wait for someone to give me food. "Really Slow" is just peachy in my book. Most importantly, I grew a beard... and that's quite an accomplishment for a tortoise.

I visited St. John's Monastery recently where s-p worked on the Church (we're all sitting in front of it here). Bishop Benjamin was visiting. By the look on his face you'd think he'd never seen an Orthodox reptile before. I had a nice chat with him about ordination. He asked how long I've been Orthodox and I told him, "Long enough to grow this beard!" He said something about me not being the first new convert he ever met with a beard and a prayer rope. He told me there's something about a canonical impediment for reptiles. I guess I'll have to check out "The Rudder" to see if he's blowing incense up my shell.

Anyway, just thought I'd share my journey with my friends. More to come, I'm sure...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Kiss Me, Baby!

I know you can't resist....MMMMMWAAH!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Things That Moo is Faster Than #3

Shaq getting back on defense. (Click on picture to enlarge)

Breaking News from Suns' Training Camp

Last season, the Phoenix Suns' disastrous "7 Seconds or Shaq" experiment under Terry Porter left the Suns with a lack of identity and one of the worst seasons in Suns history.

Under new Head Coach Alvin Gentry, the Suns have overhauled their offensive strategy for the coming season. Steve Kerr has recruited Moo the Turtle, an Afro-tortisian player from the sub-Sahara, to replace Shaq as center and will go to a "7 Minute or Moo" offense.

"Moo is unstoppable. He's a powerhouse... he's wide, slow and low, but tall for a tortoise. He's everything we need to just plow to the basket," Gentry said. "He can slow the game down better than anyone in the NBA right now, Tim Duncan won't know what to do with him."

"The problem the Suns have always had in the playoffs is teams slowing down the game, so we decided to raise the ante and give the Spurs a mosey for their money down the court," Kerr said in a recent interview. Kerr is currently lobbying Commissioner David Stern for a change of rules and the institution of a 24 minute shot clock to accommodate the Suns new offensive style of play. "The NBA has changed the rules to make the game go faster, its time they looked at what I believe is the future of NBA style of play with the recruitment of Moo," said Kerr.

The Suns have signed Moo to a five year contract of 3 tons of leafy greens per year with a signing bonus of a half ton of Romaine lettuce.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Moo Fan Mail from the UK

Dear Moo, I just wanted to that im definitely in the moo fanclub! My mother linked me to the blog & im just in love! But we need moreeee photos!
If only Moo was mine!!!

R. in the U.K.

Dear R.,

Thank you for joining the Moo fanclub. With rugged good looks like mine I totally understand how easy it is to fall head over heels in love with me, I do it every morning when I look in the mirror. (Harrison Ford is catching up to me…) It is hard to be so good looking…I can’t go anywhere without people staring and pointing at me…and its not like I can run away from photographers and autograph seekers. I’ll try to get more photos posted, but s-p keeps telling me he has a “life” and can’t spend all day following me around the back yard with a camera. Some people just don’t have their priorities straight. But I will tell you I have some really cool MOO! stuff coming on the blog, so stay tuned!

Anyway, your Mother is a wonderful Mum and must really care about you to share such an important part of her life with you,…but if she REALLY loved you, she’d get you a Moo of your own. You can find out all about owning your very own Moo at

But if your Mum won’t buy you one, Daddies will buy their little girls anything if you smile real cute and say, “Daadddyyyyyy, pleeeeeeeze?” I know they sell lettuce in the UK and Christmas is coming soon...



Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Bad Boys of Tokyo

Godzilla and Moozilla
(to embiggen crick on picture)

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Turtle Celebrities: Play it Again, Moo

Humphrey Bogart

Humphrey Moogart

Don't Moogart that lettuce, my friend....

Friday, September 25, 2009

Dear Moo: Moo's Mailbox 9-25-09

Dear Moo:

....Looking at the banner of you with your dear friends, I was reminded of the Dr. Seuss book, Yertle the Turtle, and realized that you are in fact, making a statement of brotherhood that should inspire us all. Whereas Yertle insisted on getting on the backs of his fellow turtles so that he could claim to possess all that he surveyed, you stay on the bottom, offering your back to those poor, stiff-limbed fellow creatures so that they can be up high.

So touching. I dab a tear. .. (or am I overthinking it?) (while I’m at it, are you a turtle or a tortoise? Forgive my ignorance.)



Dear G.

I can see in high school biology you were probably mentally perusing the genes of the guy in the third row instead of listening to the lecture, so let me fill in your “lost day in time”.

I’m part of a class of reptiles called chelonians, which includes turtles, tortoises, and terrapins. The tortoise family name is technically testudinidae which is a kind of a turtle, so not all turtles are tortoises (and not all tortoises have testu....never mind). I’m a particular kind of tortoise called sulcata, soooo we can conclude then that not all tortoises are sulcatas. (I know this is fast stuff, try to keep up with me here, OK).

You’ll notice that politically correct biologists, Episcopalians and 87% of the people in Massachusetts will use the word "turtle" inclusively, to refer to all chelonians in order to not offend terrapins who will bite you. However, conservative talk radio show hosts will call a tortoise a tortoise. My ancestors come from the Sahara Desert region of Africa, so I’m Afro-Tortoisian. And like white men, no, I can’t jump. It doesn’t really matter because the NBA won’t change to a 24 hour shot clock. However, I did teach Michael Jackson how to Moo-nwalk.

Anyway, Yertle the Turtle… Here’s a little known fact about him: He was Adolf Hitler. Yep, that’s right. Dr. Seuss said so. Yertle was king of the pond and wanted more and more. He was furious that the moon was higher than him so he forced the other turtles to stack themselves so he could ride on their backs higher and higher, until Mack at the bottom of the stack burped and sent Yertle flying into the mud and freed the rest of the turtles from their servitude. Random House had a problem with the book. It wasn’t the Hitler analogy, it was Mack the Turtle burping. No one had ever burped in a children’s book before that.

Anyway, while I’m touched by your "Kleenex Moment" reaction to my Tortoise kenosis, I have to admit I wasn’t making a statement, I was being a glutton. The Kiwi and Iguana were jealous of me and the Armadillo getting all the blog exposure so they tricked s-p into doing the cheerleader stack. “Oh, s-p, you’ll look SOOOO clever!” they said. “You might even get a comment on your blog or maybe even a friend on Facebook out of it!” they told him. "Feed the turtle, when his shell is turned we'll jump on and you snap the picture" they said. So between his ego and my lettuce addiction we got used by the furry bird and lizard. He still doesn't realize what happened. It ticks me off they get top billing on the blog. But what the is kinda clever and I AM in the picture.



Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Moo Accepts a Classic Rematch

And the winner is....

(click on pic to enlarge, as usual...)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Turtle Pin-up Girls

Marilyn Monroe...

Marilyn Moonroe...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Tchaikovsky's First Draft

This was his final production titled "Swan Lake"

This was his working first draft titled "Turtle Pond"

(As always, click on the picture to enlarge it.)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Monday, August 17, 2009

Friday, August 14, 2009

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Next Best Thing at 57 an aerial banner on my birthday.I love my tortoise...this is going to be one fun pet.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Tortoise King

Much to my distress I could not find an image I was looking for from "The Lion King" song "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" which ends with all of the animals dancing on each other's heads. This Youtube frame is the closest I could get, so unless you've never seen The Lion King you don't have to watch the video to see what I'm talking about (which is in Japanese...). This just kind of sums it up.

This is Moo, the Tortoise King of my back yard.

(Click image to enlarge)
Grace, in a comment, reminded me of an image that I had in my now low voltage failing synapses but couldn't bring out of the fog...
This is from the "Town Musicians of Bremen"

There's just something about animals stacked up that is just well, ... cool. Maybe its a guy thing.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Stray WHAT????

So. The wifey takes the dog for a walk to the dog park every morning about 5:30am before it gets to be 100. She usually comes back with the dog. In the past she's come back with more dogs. Before that, she's come home with cats, hamsters and turtles. (But she could retort I come home with boa constrictors, rats, birds and stuffed armadillos.) Anyway, I was getting ready to leave for work while she was at the dog park. I was brushing my teeth and heard some laughter and doors opening and closing and then silence. Then my cell phone rang. It was the wifey.

"Go look in the back yard and see what I found at the dog park!"

I sighed.. OK

Meet Moo (and Maggie...she's the one on the left). The daughter calls her Moo because she immediately started eating the lawn.

The funny thing is, I was working at a client's home today and told her about finding the tortoise and she said, "WOW!! I used to raise tortoises! HOW COOL!!" She said they are very sociable and will respond to their name. (This one comes out when people are in the yard and likes to be petted on the head.) So she gave me a lot of advice and care and feeding tips and knows about a "Tortoise Society" locally. We did some googling and found out we have an African Sulcata Tortoise. They get upwards of 100 pounds or more. Moo is well on the way.

We were talking at supper. We're the only people I know that have found three turtles in Arizona. I think she's a keeper (Moo and Maggie...)