Moo the Turtle: September 2009

Dear Moo:

....Looking at the banner of you with your dear friends, I was reminded of the Dr. Seuss book, Yertle the Turtle, and realized that you are in fact, making a statement of brotherhood that should inspire us all. Whereas Yertle insisted on getting on the backs of his fellow turtles so that he could claim to possess all that he surveyed, you stay on the bottom, offering your back to those poor, stiff-limbed fellow creatures so that they can be up high.

So touching. I dab a tear. .. (or am I overthinking it?) (while I’m at it, are you a turtle or a tortoise? Forgive my ignorance.)

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Dear G.

I can see in high school biology you were probably mentally perusing the genes of the guy in the third row instead of listening to the lecture, so let me fill in your “lost day in time”.

I’m part of a class of reptiles called chelonians, which includes turtles, tortoises, and terrapins. The tortoise family name is technically testudinidae which is a kind of a turtle, so not all turtles are tortoises (and not all tortoises have testu....never mind). I’m a particular kind of tortoise called sulcata, soooo we can conclude then that not all tortoises are sulcatas. (I know this is fast stuff, try to keep up with me here, OK).

You’ll notice that politically correct biologists, Episcopalians and 87% of the people in Massachusetts will use the word "turtle" inclusively, to refer to all chelonians in order to not offend terrapins who will bite you. However, conservative talk radio show hosts will call a tortoise a tortoise. My ancestors come from the Sahara Desert region of Africa, so I’m Afro-Tortoisian. And like white men, no, I can’t jump. It doesn’t really matter because the NBA won’t change to a 24 hour shot clock. However, I did teach Michael Jackson how to Moo-nwalk.

Anyway, Yertle the Turtle… Here’s a little known fact about him: He was Adolf Hitler. Yep, that’s right. Dr. Seuss said so. Yertle was king of the pond and wanted more and more. He was furious that the moon was higher than him so he forced the other turtles to stack themselves so he could ride on their backs higher and higher, until Mack at the bottom of the stack burped and sent Yertle flying into the mud and freed the rest of the turtles from their servitude. Random House had a problem with the book. It wasn’t the Hitler analogy, it was Mack the Turtle burping. No one had ever burped in a children’s book before that.

Anyway, while I’m touched by your "Kleenex Moment" reaction to my Tortoise kenosis, I have to admit I wasn’t making a statement, I was being a glutton. The Kiwi and Iguana were jealous of me and the Armadillo getting all the blog exposure so they tricked s-p into doing the cheerleader stack. “Oh, s-p, you’ll look SOOOO clever!” they said. “You might even get a comment on your blog or maybe even a friend on Facebook out of it!” they told him. "Feed the turtle, when his shell is turned we'll jump on and you snap the picture" they said. So between his ego and my lettuce addiction we got used by the furry bird and lizard. He still doesn't realize what happened. It ticks me off they get top billing on the blog. But what the heck...it is kinda clever and I AM in the picture.

Yours,

Moo!